Heartbreak is not an experience to be desired. A break-up leaves your emotions in quite a mess. Your normal is turned upside-down, and you are just not in a good mental space.
In an effort to get out of this present feeling as quickly as possible, you are looking for answers to speed up the process. Well, If you are looking for a quick fix, this isn’t it.
Hear me out, a quick fix is rarely a good decision since the results are not long-lasting. So rather than looking for a way to cheat the process of healing, or speed up the timeline, you gotta go through the stages.
It’s become normalized that time heals all wounds. As if by some magic cure you will one day wake up happy again, but in reality getting over a break-up is more complicated than that.
However, you can actually do a lot to help move forward before anyone else. But it requires a hard look at yourself, which is where most people don’t want to start.
This proves especially difficult when you did nothing wrong. Even when that is true, how you react to the situation says a lot about how your outcome will be. Most breakups go through phases, making yourself aware of the one you are in can keep things rolling. The process consists of embracing the moment, avoiding a rut, and finding peace with the whole mess.
Remind yourself that progress is the main goal, not a quick fix. Let’s start looking at ways to speed the process up, without putting a deadline on the outcome.
First phase: embrace the suck
So there you are — heart in hand, sobbing your eyes out. Trying to grasp for answers, which is what leads you to reach out for help. You have so much to sort through. Maybe even a little lost on where to begin.
Well, first let’s nip one thing in the bud. The fact is you are going to heal on YOUR time. Not mine, not your ex’s, not your friends. Your time. The fact you are looking for healing is a great indication though. It says you are ready to help yourself out of this slumpy feeling and get on with life.
Now that we set it straight how long it will take we can agree, hopefully, that we are looking for ques, rather than timelines for your healing journey.
With that being said this is the phase you NEED to let yourself be upset. Cry ugly. Wear the shirt that smells like him while eating all the junk food. This is the time to soak in every bit. Because you gotta feel the hurt before you can heal.
Suppressing the emotions will only lead to a later meltdown WAY bigger than now. So don’t try to be strong and put up a front.
A little known fact is that girls grieve first, then pull themselves together. Guys are the opposite, they will run around as nothing happened. But eventually, the hurt of the breakup will sink in. By that time you are in your happy place and looking FINE.
For now, you have permission to be a mess.
Because your next phase….
Time to get out of the rut
You guess it! Now it’s time to pull yourself out of the slump because you have too much to do girl!
Before we get too much further, this doesn’t include revenge (although if throwing away the old clothes is how you get to this step, then okay) but rather pulling yourself out of the mental slump of being hurt.
It’s time to shift gears from being the one left, or hurt, or xzy, to seeing yourself as valued. Valued because YOU say you are. Part of seeing yourself as valued is doing something to make yourself feel pretty and doing something that makes you happy. You can buy a new outfit or splurge on that new makeup set. Buy a book and take a beach day to yourself.
Just invest in you!
Warning-this is the phase a lot of women get stuck in and become self-absorbed. Avoid the approach of “I don’t need anybody” or all “men suck” because that isn’t accurate or healthy.
Positive mental affirmation can instead look like “I totally got this” or “right now I am too hurt to accept any help”, or even “right now I am not giving a man my time or energy, but later, maybe”.
Focus is then shifted from negative and toxic thinking to a positive way to look ahead and pep talk yourself leading to the next phase.
I have been through several soul-crushing breakups, so I know how it feels. But I also know how it feels to stay in bitterness, rather than learn to accept what happened as a learning experience.
I love the monkey in Lion King for this reason- he makes you view the past positively. When Rafiki hits Simba on the head with his stick and tells him the past can hurt, but you can either run from it or learn from it. Whoa, that hit me in the feels. Even in a kids’ show, you need to be reminded that being hurt can lead to an area healing twice as strong as the original.
The point is, finding peace is something you need to do for yourself. Until that happens you will be dragging that baggage into any new relationship. There is no better time than the present to learn to accept the things that happened, but not to let them become a reason to be bitter or unhappy.
Creating your fairytale ending.
So how long does it take to get over a breakup? Only you have that answer.
Timelines could be thrown out there like 3-6 months, but in reality, there are too many factors contributing to give an actual date of when you will be over the break-up. The degree of the break-up, how many hurtful words were spoken, whether the breakup was mutual are all factors to sort through. Your story is different from anyone else’s, but you can look for cues that are an indication your heart is healing.
Time is a wonderful heart healer, but don’t leave your happiness to fate, instead take the initiative to get out of the rut, and find peace again. Because girl, you have amazing things to do!