Learning to trust again will take time and serious discipline to overcome the mental and emotional hurt brought on. While there is no definite timeline, one can implement some good
habits to steer emotions in the direction of healing.
Let’s face it, we have all been there, regardless of the scale or topic that brought on this grievance. The hurt feelings from being told you are paranoid when in reality all those feelings
of something being off, lead to some actually being off with your significant other.
You weren’t crazy for thinking they couldn’t be trusted and yet you don’t feel any better knowing you were right.
Now that the problem is out in the open, you get to choose to heal just yourself or heal the relationship too.
Either way, you MUST learn to trust again, whether in this relationship or another. Better to start the process now than bring your baggage into another relationship and potentially poison a good thing from your past.
So this is your wake-up call to move from feeling sorry for yourself to how can I get past this phase. Ready? Alright, let’s do this
We are going to walk together through 5 improvements to start practicing today so trust can *one day* be restored. This takes time and there will be moments that feel like relapse, but press on no matter what!
#1 Don’t talk about problems with anyone who can’t fix it
Ouch! That hasn’t ever happened, right? Well…
The practice of going to your girlfriends for a “hangout” where there will most definitely be bashing and detail sharing is far too acceptable. Or hanging out with the guys while agreeing women are just crazy and unreasonable.
Discussing personal problems becomes about more than just venting when done too often or with the wrong crowd. These discussions tend to breed negative mental space and it’s hard to pull out of that mindset. Either way, the result is detrimental to any relationship.
Avoid spreading your problems around because the other side effect when broadcasting problems is the misguided opinions that arise. No one knows the ins and out’s of your relationship behind closed doors so no one can give accurate advice. Others will only know what you tell them, and no one wants to admit their contributions.
#2 Just say it
Now the opposite of overspeaking is not speaking enough. While some people say too much, there are those who don’t say enough. Cough cough. We are looking at your introverts. Introverts are going to struggle with voicing their opinion for fear of hurting someone’s feelings.
While extroverts have no problem sharing opinions. Both introverts and extroverts need to learn how to interact properly by balancing speaking turns.
One person should never do all the talking, especially when trust is trying to be restored. It’s very common for extroverts to do all the talking to convince the hurt party they have changed. Or talk so much they never give the chance to hear an apology.
The quiet and hurt party needs to learn how to interact or admit where they have gone wrong.
Either way, both introverts, and extroverts have a balancing act to perfect.
For women, this can be especially hard because emotions like to take over. Once tears start flowing men tend to shut down and get frustrated thus ending the conversation. But to restore trust women need to feel vulnerable and like they can openly express their emotions after going through a trauma that lost trust in the first place. Not adding to it!
Don’t feel bad if tears are your emotional outlet! Just don’t let them control your ability to get out what needs to be said. This leads us to the next point.
#3 Tone matters
One overlooked communication skill is tone. How the message is delivered is just as important as the message itself. The spoken words will often dictate how those words are received for the good or bad.
Now, this does not give permission to speak jabs.
Snippy, short responses will be less productive than calm responses. When emotions are already stressed after a loss of trust this is so vital. You will have to check on yourself to sort through the hurt so you can deliver communication that will be productive and not make the situation worse.
#4 Moving on has to start somewhere
Building trust is a messy business, and a lot of times you are going to have to just start doing normal things to get back into routine and to feel normal again.
Don’t allow yourself to fall into a rut in the name of grieving or trying to process without having a cutoff in mind. You must plan when you are going to do one thing to start getting back to normal.
Doing something from your old routine can be the first step, this can include exercising or writing like you “used to do”. Something you did before trust was broken but have stopped as you have processed this grievance.
Bringing it all together
Choosing to trust again is not easy, but is a necessity for healthy mental thinking and future relationships. Whatever brought you to lose trust should never be something you hold over another person.
Instead, it should be a lesson learned so that baggage is not taken into your future. That future can either be with the same person or in other future relationships, either way, you can’t let the mistakes of one person ruin it for everyone.
When to cut losses
Now it’s time for the dreaded, but sometimes necessary talk about when trust cannot be restored. The serious talk no one wants to talk about, but this final note needs to be covered especially if trust is to be rebuilt after abuse.
First thing is to get away because that is not a healthy relationship and trust will (most likely) never happen again. Building trust in humanity or a significant other again is going to be enough of a learning curve. Learning to trust your abuser is not learning to trust, that is turning a cheek where you don’t need to.
To clarify, by abuse this means physical and physiology.
This exception to cut the relationship loose is for the woman who is facing physical harm or physical abuse that leads to unhealthy(potentially suicidal) thoughts. Knowing the difference between the two will be up to you to take an honest assessment of how the person you are with makes you feel.
Do you feel motivated/pushed to put your best version out there? Or do you feel demeaned and like the smallest human to walk the heart? Are you covering up bruises? Or do you feel empowered when you put makeup on?
What does this have to do with trust?
Trust is the foundation of any relationship, despite what we may want to think sometimes once trust is lost there is no getting it back. If after practicing the tips mentioned you are feeling restoration, then keep going!
If you are the only one putting in the work or having your progress backtracked because of your significant other, then it’s time to consider whether continuing together is the best thing.
Choosing to trust again is not easy, but is a necessity for healthy mental thinking and further relationships. Who is in your inner circle will also be a factor for cheering you on, or feeding the
insecurities brought on.
Take some time to evaluate who is helping and who is hurting the journey as you are working to rebuild trust. The road to rebuilding is long and hard so you will need a support system if possible.
Building a foundation again is something you can do! Take time to communicate to the right people, in the appropriate tone, by clarifying where you are standing in the relationship.
Remember that everything happens for a reason, so don’t get hung up on “why did this happen to me?” but shift your focus to “how can I make the most of this situation?” and get to it!
