My Secret Pregnancy ... Do I Tell Him The Truth?

My Secret Pregnancy … Do I Tell Him The Truth?

Dear Tracy, I have an ethical question for you.   I always thought the 7-year itch was an old wives’ tale but I learned the hard way that wasn’t the case.  One day I woke up to find my husband had left me.   He was just gone.  I never saw it coming.  Sure our marriage wasn’t perfect but I never thought he was planning on leaving me for what I would later find out would be months.  I trusted him.  I believed in him and he just left.  He refused to even discuss getting marital help.  He said he wouldn’t even consider it for any reason whatsoever.  He was just gone and there was nothing I could do about it.

I was a housewife so I didn’t have a job or even a car during our marriage and now he says he’ll help me out for a few months but I really need to find a way to support myself because he’s not going to do it anymore.  He did help the first month and the second he didn’t give me quite enough to pay my bills but he did give me almost enough.  In the 3rd month, he gave me less than $1,000, about 1/3 what I would normally need to pay all the bills for the month.  Our mortgage hasn’t been paid in 6 months now, we had been having money problems for awhile now.  Now that he’s gone things aren’t any better.  I have no car, no job, and no way to get a job because I have no car.  I had a chance to try and make some money, not much but some on the Internet but I can’t afford to pay the Internet bill so they are shutting that off next week.  I asked him for help with that bill but he said no.  He said I’m not his problem anymore. I had $1200 in savings but well I had to spend that.  The problem is, well that is why I am writing to you today.  I had to spend it on going to the doctor.  Between taking cabs back and forth, pre-natal vitamins and office visits costs.  The thing of it is, I haven’t exactly told anyone I am pregnant.  Not my parents, my siblings, or my soon to be ex.

Prior to this, I have had several miscarriages due to hormone problems and to be quite honest with you I didn’t even know I was pregnant until just recently.

I know it sounds strange that a person wouldn’t know they were pregnant but I am overweight, have tons of hormone issues and well all those things combined, I just really didn’t know.   I haven’t had a period in months so I suspected I was pregnant, but I took not one or two or even three tests but actually 5 of them and every single one of them came up negative.  So I swear it wasn’t like I was trying to lie to him or anyone. I really did take all of those tests and they really did all come up negative.  How was I supposed to know?  I did have all the symptoms but I attributed all of them to hormone problems, weight issues, and the stress of our marriage, or now our divorce.

So many months have passed now.  My doctor warned me that if I’m not careful with my stress levels I could risk yet again another miscarriage so despite all the bullshit my husband has put me through I have through the whole thing tried to remain calm.  I pretty much just avoid him at all costs.  To be totally honest with you, I’m surprised my ex-husband hasn’t caught on yet that something was up.  Throughout our entire marriage, we have never gotten along this well.  When he tells me horrible things like he doesn’t love me, I just smile and say ok and then let him go.  When he says I won’t help you anymore, even to buy food, I just try and smile and move on.  It hasn’t been easy but it is what I have to do, for the baby.

I haven’t told him about the baby, at first because I wasn’t sure if I would be able to maintain the pregnancy and now 6 months into it, I just don’t know if I want to tell him.  I don’t know if I want him in my baby’s life.  He’s not a good person.  What kind of person would do what he has done to another human being?  He left me to die with no money, not even money to buy food or to support our pets.  If he doesn’t give a poo about our puppy, how can I trust him with a child, my child?

And that, in a nutshell, is the problem.  Does he deserve to know?  He is after all the one who chose to leave.  He made the decision to not be a part of my life so does he deserve to know about this unborn child?

Part of me is scared to tell him because if I have to face him about it, it becomes more real and I risk even more pain and suffering if I lose this baby.  6 months into this pregnancy it scares me every moment of every day.

I really don’t know what to do now. I was taking a renewal driver’s course but now I’m having a hard time even getting behind the wheel.  It’s crazy, in so many ways this baby is becoming a reality, but in others, I’m still scared to even acknowledge the pregnancy because I am scared to lose it. But I guess that is another issue altogether.  The real one at hand is, what to do about my ex-husband.

I really don’t know what to do about him.  He’s a heartless liar.  He has made it clear he doesn’t love me or care about me in any way.  Those were his actual words.  He smokes pot heavily and drinks a lot as well.  I just don’t know that I want my baby exposed to a person like him.   My baby deserves better. I don’t know what to do so I am writing you this letter in secret hoping that you or other visitors to your site can give me their advice.

That is a very detailed question and to be honest with you I don’t know how to answer it.  Clearly you are having some guilt about not telling him or you wouldn’t have wrote to me in the first place.  You understandably have some bitterness towards your ex-husband, after all he has put you through so the question then becomes, what if you do tell him?  What will happen?  What if you don’t tell him? What will happen?  How in the heck do you plan on being able to support this baby if you can’t even feed yourself?  I think I’ll leave the advice on this one to the others and let them use their own experiences to tell you what they think about your situation. I know that probably sounds like a cop out but honestly there is no easy answer for this one. I mean legally speaking he has a right to know. But I know that isn’t what you want to hear. You don’t want to know about the law, you want to discuss a more heartful answer, about how you feel in your heart and now what the law dictacts you must or must not do. This really is rough. I mean there are so many things that you could do, but the question is, what is best for your baby? I guess that’s what you really need to think about – not your feelings or his. But the baby.

If any of our members would like to chime in, they can post their thoughts on this letter in the comments section down below. I’m sure she would appreciate in any all of your advice.

 

My Secret Pregnancy … Do I Tell Him The Truth?

7 thoughts on “My Secret Pregnancy … Do I Tell Him The Truth?”

  1. I know it’s been awhile since this originally went up. We heard back from the woman who wrote in and she gave us an update. She decided to tell her ex-husband about the pregnancy when she was about 6 months along. He didn’t believe her, said she was lying and didn’t talk to her throughout the rest of the pregnancy. She had the baby on her own with the help of her family. She didn’t attempt to contact him again.

    Several years later she posted pictures of the baby on her Facebook page where he came across them and demanded to know why she didn’t tell him about the baby. She tried to explain that she did but he wouldn’t listen. They ended up getting lawyers to fight out the custody issue. She won full custody because of his past, but he does have supervised visition on weekends. She was awarded $1,000 a month in child support and four years of back child support in the court case. She said that she and her daughter are doing well and they couldn’t be happier.

    She wanted me to thank you all for taking the time to read her story and for sharing your advice. It meant a lot to her.

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  3. You should tell him. For one, something this huge is not something that you can hide forever. He’s going to end up finding out eventually some way or another. In fact, the longer you hold back something this huge from him, the worse it will be for the both of you. This baby is just as much his as it is yours. And if you keep this from him, it could essentially start a war. If you tell him now, you could keep your stress to a minimum by the both of you making an agreement about what to do. If you wait and he finds out that you have been keeping his baby from him, he would probably be beside himself and it would turn into a horrible custody war.

    Also, I really don’t think he is as horrible as you say he is near the end of your letter, based on other things you said. It seems to me that you are upset about the divorce like anyone else would be, and this is causing you to make him seem worse out of anger. I say this because in the beginning, you say that your marriage was going well. If he was such a terrible person, your marriage wouldn’t have been good pretty much at all, ever. Maybe your emotions are getting the better of you and he really could be a good father if only you would tell him what is going on. I actually think by not telling him, you are doing the same thing you are angry that he did. You said he was planning for months to leave you, and you would be doing the exact same thing if you planned for months to keep this a secret. I think keeping this a secret would harm you in so many more ways than if you just told him as soon as possible.

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  5. i would be thinking about what kind of father do you want for your child and is he that kind of father. doesn’t sound like it. do you want your child to be treated the way you have.. as disposable? i wouldn’t tell him shit. you need the pull all the power and courage you have in yourself, get all the help you can from wherever you can and move on with your life. even thinking about him gives him power. he sounds like a piece of shit. no child deserves that.

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  7. my advice is to only take responsibility for the things that are yours to deal with. the baby, a job, family and friends. that should be enough for you at this point. do you really think you have the strength to do his life and needs as well?

    I think he made it clear that he does not want to be responsible in any way for you and by extension, your child. he broke the deal. it’s not your job to take care of him or his needs in any way any more. by his own choice. new deal now. you and the baby. that is your only job I think.

    go to the good will, the YWCA, catholic charity and the salvation army for help. look in the phone book or google these things for your area. that is why we all donate to them, for times like these in life. the library has free internet. these same organizations can help you find a lot of resources like clothes, furniture, food, child care, transportation, interim jobs/training and a place to live that you can afford.

    you are not alone.

    give back when you can. it all works out in the end. <3

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  9. As bad as he is, just as a human being, he deserves to know. You can let him know that you don’t need or want his help, but he needs to know and your child will have to make the decision themselves when they’re older. This is from personal experience as the child. You telling him doesn’t mean that he has to be in your life. If he’s as bad as you say, he won’t care. But he needs to know.
    I don’t know where you live, but if you live in near Laurel, Maryland or Nashville, Tennessee check out HealthStream Research. It’s not the best job in the world, but it’s something and it has good resources. Any homeless shelter will give you help in contacting places to find work. Use your resources, remember your family and friends. You have support and strength both around and in you. Even in times of difficulty, it’s there. Take a deep breath, appreciate the little things, put on yer big girl panties, and get to work. You can do it. It won’t be easy, but you’ll be amazed at what you can handle and do. Best of luck. <3

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  11. U know what they say, good riddance to bad rubbish. Think of it this way, if U lose the baby U are stuck with a loser and if U don’t lose the baby U have a baby to raise and U are stuck with a loser still. He lies. That’s the only part of the story U needed to tell. Do U really want to spend the rest of Ur life with a man that lies to U? It doesn’t matter what he lies about. If he doesn’t respect U enough to tell U the truth then do U really need that in Ur life? U have a baby to worry about, U don’t need to worry about that jack a**. It’s better to be on welfare than waste any more time with him. Really girl. Even homeless is > than being with a man that treats U like that.

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