Dear Tracy,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years now. We have no children but we are engaged to be married and have started to talk about having a family. A friend of mine at work recently found out her husband of 7 years cheated on her and she was devastated. All she kept saying was that she should have trusted her instincts. Had she trusted her gut then she would not be in this situation. That has been haunting me. I don’t by any means think my boyfriend has cheated on me but something in the pit of my stomach has been nagging at me so that is why I am writing you. Maybe with your experience you will have some insight.
My boyfriend isn’t really that supportive of me and my long term career goals. It’s like oh you are a woman so your real long term goal should be to be a mom and wife. But see, I make just as much money as he does right now and I went to school for 4 years just like him for my degree. So what makes my career any less valuable than his? I’m not saying that I don’t want to have kids. I’m not saying that one day I might want to quit my job and be a full time job. My real problem is just the way he assumes I have a certain role in life and disrespects me as a result. It’s really bothering me a lot lately and with Jen’s trust your gut daily rant, I can’t help but think maybe I should do the same.
I was at dinner last week with my parents. We were discussing my sister and brother-in-law’s recent home improvements in preparation to sell their house in the near future. My father complimented some of the changes they’ve made to the house to improve the value, and then, with the utmost seriousness, my father said, if a woman is looking to buy the house, it won’t matter because she probably wouldn’t notice important things like that, but if her husband is with her it will be a big deal and greatly improve the bottom line. I looked up at him, dumbfounded that my father, whom I love and respect, could actually say such a thing. Even worse is that he went on to defend what he said by explaining to me that women don’t understand the important things about the value of a home, like the structure and so on. A week later, I’m still just floored at this whole exchange.
So as great as my father is in so many other ways, his lack of respect for women is a deep-seated part of his personality that no time will change.
While my mother has come to accept this, the modern woman expects more from her man … we want a true life partner. This isn’t the 1950s. It’s no longer our job to take care of our man or put his needs before your own.
If your boyfriend isn’t supportive now or doesn’t respect you as his equal, time or marriage isn’t going to change that.
It’s okay for you to want a man who respects you as a person and not just some half of HIS whole. So if he makes fun or is always belittling your goals, then dumb that dead weight. If he makes you feel guilty for spending time at work or working towards some bigger end goal, dump him. If you both work full-time jobs and he doesn’t do his equal share around the house, ditch him. You deserve someone who respects you.
