Still Married But in Love With Someone Else

Dear Tracy, I am seeing someone, and things seem to be going great, but there are a few problems… 1) we’re both separated from our spouses (but legally married) 2)there is a ten year age difference, which although I am fine with, I know family members won’t be so happy about it and 3)There are times when I can’t get in touch with him I guess I’m wondering what are the real chances of this relationship working. 4)For me, he isn’t the rebound guy after my failed marriage. But am I his rebound girl? 5)We’ve been going out for about 2 months now without any arguments, we always seem to have the “perfect” date when we’re out, and during a conversation and under the influence of alcohol, he revealed that he was falling in love with me. Is he for real? What do you make of our situation?

Before I answer this letter I do want to take a moment to remind you that I’m not a doctor or a professional of any kind. I can only tell you what *I* think of things based on my own personal experiences. Now that being said …….

1) If you are both still legally married, why are we even having this conversation? Either your marriage is over and you are ready to move on or it isn’t. If you aren’t sure you want to end your marriage, then how can you be sure you want to pursue a serious relationship with someone else?

2) If you truly had no problem with the age difference, why did you bother mentioning it? Clearly, something about this age difference is bothering you, even if you don’t realize it yourself. So you need to have a long, hard talk with yourself and find out what about your age difference is really bothering you. Since age differences in relationships with the male being older are extremely common, I’m going to guess that he’s the younger one in this relationship. That being the case, let me ask you this, what really is wrong with dating a younger man? If he’s over 18, you aren’t doing anything wrong. In fact, you might be surprised to know that it’s becoming more and more common every day for females to date younger males.

My own fiance is younger than me and I can’t even count how many female celebrities are dating men 5, 10 or even 15 years younger than them. But the problem isn’t what others may or may not think about it, it’s what YOU truly think about it. So ask yourself this, what is your real concern over it? Be honest with yourself. If you can’t work through these issues on your own, then your relationship is doomed from the start.

3) “There are times I can’t get in touch with him”. This question more than any other concerns me the most. You’ve only been dating two months and already one of your top three relationship concerns is your inability to reach him at times. I suspect you had some cheating problems in your past relationships, perhaps even your marriage. So my honest and sincere advice to you is to go and seek professional help in the area of trust. Without trust, your relationship, no matter how great, will NEVER work.

Trust and communication are the foundation of any good relationship. Without both of them, the relationship just isn’t going to last. My next concern is why this is an issue in the first place. It could be as I stated already, a trust issue with you, but also I want to remind you to always trust in yourself. People don’t do that enough and if you are having strange feelings, you are having them for a reason. The question is, what is that reason? Is it due to past issues of having guys cheat on you or because you have a good reason not to trust him? If you can’t trust him, why be with him? You are worth more than that. If it’s you, fix it. If it’s him move on. Simple as that.

4) “For me, he isn’t the rebound guy after my failed marriage. But am I his rebound girl?” Yes, he is. Your ink on your divorce isn’t even dry yet. This is a classic rebound relationship if I have ever seen one. But then again, what relationship isn’t? It is true that at the end of a relationship some people tend to rebound on to the next available warm body but there is some evidence to show that with effort, no matter what the circumstances, a relationship can work. But read this carefully ….. it takes EFFORT. Both of you have just come off of a very serious relationship…. A marriage no less. That’s a lot of baggage and more than most relationships could handle. So my advice to you is that if you truly want this relationship to succeed, deal with your baggage first. It’s the only chance your new relationship will have.

5) You’ve been going out for two months. He’s still married and so are you. What do I see in my crystal ball for this relationship? A lot of drunken, lonely nights and a bad ending, leaving you even more insecure and confused than before it started. Do yourself a favor and don’t confuse love with the feeling of security this guy is giving you. Because in the end, you need to come to terms with your own demons before you can really move on with your life and be happy. You do deserve to be happy, so go do what it takes to be that way.