Men love to tell dumb blonde jokes, but now we have our own version … stupid men jokes!! Just remember, these are meant to be funny, so don’t take it too personally. It’s just a little lighthearted fun.
God made men first, but then he had a better idea.
Why can’t men get mad cow disease? Because they’re all pigs.
What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted.
How do you keep your husband from reading your email? Name the mail folder “Instructions”.
Why do little boys whine? Because they are practicing to be men.
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.
Ever notice how all of our problems start with MEN?
MEN-opause MEN-strual pain MEN-tal illness GUY-necologist HIS-terectomy.
It’s important to find a man who has money, a man who adores you, a man who is great in the sack. But the most important thing is that these 3 men should never meet each other!
Men are like Bluetooth – They are connected to you when you are nearby, but search for other devices when you are away! Women on the other hand are like Wi-Fi. They see all available devices but connect to the strongest one.
God spoke to Adam: GOD: Adam – first, the good news! I have given you a brain & a penis. ADAM: Wow, thanks God!! Now… what’s the bad news? GOD: You have only enough blood to use one at a time.
My Wife is Missing
Husband: My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home…
Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five feet tall.
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don’t know exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my Jeep.
Sergeant: What kind of Jeep was it?
It’s a 2010 Rubicon with Sprintex Supercharger with Intercooler, DiabloSport T-1000 Trinity Programmer, Teraflex Falcon 3.3 Shocks ,1350 RE Reel Drive Shafts, Method 105 Bead Locks, Toyo 37″ X 13.5″ Tires, Custom Olympic Off Road Front Bumper, Olympic Off Road Smuggler Rear Bumper with tire carrier, Seward Radius 4s LED Light, Seward 12″ LED Light bar, 50″ LED Light bar with, sPod LED switch pod with Boost gage,, Rigid LED Lights, 15# Power Tank, Rock Hard Cage, Rock Hard Under Armor, Posion Spyder Sliders, Posion Spyder Crusher Fenders, Posion Spyder Evap Armor, Posion Spyder Extreme Duty Trans-Mount Cross Member, Bushwacker rear armor, 5.13 Gears, Magnum 44 Front Axle, Off Road Evolution “C” Gussets, Cobra 75 CB Radio, Warn 10K on Front and 8K Winch on Rear, Bartact Seat Covers, Delta Quad Bar Xenon Headlamps,Tantrum LED Offroad Rock Lights, Teraflex HD Tie Rod, Teraflex Falcon Steering Stabilizer, Teraflex Alpine Long Control Arms Front & Rear, Teraflex 4″ springs, Teraflex JK Performance Slotted Big Rotor Kit, TeraFlex Monster HD Forged Front Adjustable Trackbar, Teraflex Front & Rear Brake Line Kit, Teraflex Bump Stops Front & Rear, Surprise Straps, Hothead Headliner, Teraflex D-44 Diff Covers, Wild Boar Grille, Rigid Ridge Hood, Drake Hood Latch’s & a Tuffy Security Drawer……
(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.)
Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your Jeep.
God made men cause vibrators can’t buy drinks.
(or the variation) Men are only on this earth because vibrators can’t buy you drinks.
What’s a man’s idea of cleaning the bathroom? Flushing the toilet.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to brag to about the screwing part.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
How does a man show he’s planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Some say men are like playing cards. All it takes is the ladies…. you need a ……………..
- a HEART to love Them.
- a DIAMOND to marry them
- a CLUB to beat them and ….
- and a SPADE to burry them.
How many men does it take to do the dishes? I don’t know but I will let you know when it happens.
A man went over to his girl’s place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom — gold, silver, or bronze. Silver, she said. Why not gold, wondered the man? She replied Because I want you to come second for once!
Men are like a snowstorm. You never know when they are coming or how long they’ll stay.
What’s a man’s idea of honestly in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
Men are like commercials, you can’t believe a word they say.
What is the difference between men and women? A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Why were men given larger brains than dogs? So they wouldn’t hump women’s legs at cocktail parties.
What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand? A man’s undivided attention.
Why do men want to marry virgins? Because men can’t stand criticism.
Why are Catholic Men like Amtrak trains? They never pull out in time!
What is the difference between a man and a catfish? One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
Men! You can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em for parts. 🤷
Men are like grapes. You have to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you’d like to have dinner with.
How do you keep your boyfriend from cheating on you? Make him get a vasectomy.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They’re hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don’t work.
A man found a Magic Lamp. The genie asks what he wishes for. The man asks to be irresistible to women, So the genie turned him into a box of chocolates.
How do men define a 50/50 relationship? We cook – they eat, we clean – they dirty, we iron- they wrinkle.
(0r the variation) What’s a man’s idea of helping with the housework? Lifting his feet up so you can vacuum underneath them.
How do men exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn’t keep asking for a beer.
Men are like diapers in that they should be changed often and for the same reasons.
One day a woman was granted one wish from a genie. She could have anything in the world and she asked to never have to cook or clean again. The genie sat there for a moment, smile, and then POOF!!!! She made the woman a man.
A woman’s brain cell went into a man’s head wondering what she might find. The brain cell looked around and the room was empty. “Where is everyone?” she asked. “Down here,” a voice replied.
There were 3 people on a crashing plane … the smartest man, the president, and a little girl. The problem was, there were only two parachutes.
The smart man said, “The people who would do the world the most good should take one. Me being the smartest should live”. With that, he took a bag and jumped.
The president looked at the girl and said, “You have your whole life ahead of you. You should have the other one.”
The little girl grinned and replied, “It’s okay … we can both have one. The smartest man in the world just jumped out of the airplane with my back-pack.”