1. Wear pants that fit properly. How else am I to know you have a cute butt under there? I need to know about the cute butt.
2. Reply to your texts in a super hot, timely manner. Nothing sexier than not being left in agony while he takes six hours to reply to a simple “how was your day?”
3. Wear fitted T-shirts, especially when they’re, like, ever-so-slightly too small and tight across his chest. And bonus points if it isn’t a dumb graphic T-shirt that has “Female Body Inspector” on it.
4. Wear socks that match his pants, flaunting his very sexy grasp of a color scheme. Show me a man who understands that you can’t wear navy socks with black shoes, and I’ll show you what I have in mind for my marriage proposal to him.
5. Maintain eye contact without breaking out in hives or cutting the tension with a fart noise. BRB, getting very hot and bothered at the thought of holding eye contact with a human male for more than 10 seconds…
6. Use his hot ears to listen to what you say, and then reference it later. Isn’t it so sexy when boys remember the name of your dead cat because you mentioned it that one time?
7. Smell like he’s showered at some point in the past 24 hours. Is that Old Spice on your armpits? Dove on your arms? And OMG, is that Tide I smell on your T-shirt? Soap smell. So steamy. Can’t get enough.
8. Stand up really tall and grab your favorite coffee mug from the shelf you can’t reach. Who needs a stepladder when bae has go-go-gadget arms that put everything literally within his mammoth reach?
9. Offer to scratch your back without expecting you to scratch his in return. Basically, any time he does something nice without being like, “OK, now you have to come to watch sports and sit next to my friend Tony while he intermittently scratches his balls on Sunday,” it’s so hot.
10. Have arms. Even better if he uses them to pick things up sometimes, like a hot slice of pizza that he’s sharing with you.
11. Dress appropriately for the weather, instead of wearing shorts all winter long like his naked legs are weatherproofed. Wearing shorts when it’s 15 degrees out doesn’t make you look “hard”; it makes it look like you don’t know how to open your weather app or look out a window.
12. Kiss you goodbye instead of being like, “Later!” when he leaves your apartment. Literally never leave my home without planting a juicy smooch on me, thanks (only if I think you’re hot).
13. Only wear beanies when it’s cold out, instead of all the time like he’s traveling around in his own personal igloo. Like, there are other hats for the warmer seasons. A baseball hat can definitely be hot. Beanies are not the only hot accessory.
14. Use his hot guy hands to hug you after a long day fighting the patriarchy, and then use his hot guy feet to get up and bring you a plate of cookies. Nothing like a hot guy who shows his feminist instincts with freshly baked goods, amirite?
15. Wait for you outside the restaurant on a date night and smile when you approach, like an honest-to-god movie scene. Walking upon him standing there all statuesque on the sidewalk is waaaaaay hotter than finding him inside, already stuffing his face with appetizer bread without you.
16. Casually flex his muscles when he opens that jar of peanut butter for you, even though you know it’s not actually on that tight. Sure, I could’ve opened the peanut butter myself but literally, why would I when watching a guy do it is basically the hottest thing ever?