According to a popular claim, if you ask a woman these 36 questions, you can make her fall in love. It sounds like internet folklore, but the idea actually comes from real psychological research. The bigger question is whether there is any truth behind it.
Communication is often described as the foundation of any successful relationship, so perhaps there is something to the idea that asking the right questions, in the right way, can create a meaningful connection.
The origin of these questions comes from a 1997 study by psychologist Arthur Aron titled The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness: A Procedure and Some Preliminary Findings. The research explored whether intimacy between strangers could be accelerated through structured conversation and emotional openness.
In the study, pairs of strangers took turns answering 36 increasingly personal questions. After completing the questions, they were instructed to maintain four minutes of uninterrupted eye contact. The goal was to see whether guided vulnerability could foster closeness more quickly than ordinary small talk.
The results were compelling. Participants who completed the questions reported significantly higher levels of closeness than those in control groups. In fact, closeness scores were roughly 30 to 40 percent higher. While not every pair fell in love, some participants did go on to form lasting relationships.
The study was published in the peer-reviewed journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin and has since been widely referenced and discussed. The questions later gained mainstream attention through articles like one published by The New York Times, which helped spark their viral popularity.
It is important to be clear about what the study does and does not prove. The questions are not a magic formula that guarantees romantic love. Chemistry, timing, mutual interest, and emotional availability still matter. What the research does demonstrate is the power of structured vulnerability. When people open up gradually and feel truly heard, a genuine connection becomes more likely.
The 36 Questions Are Not a List You Read, They Are a Conversation You Do
The reason these questions work as well as they do in the research is simple: they are meant to be asked, answered, and received in real time.
In Arthur Aron’s study, two strangers sat together and took turns. One person asked a question, the other answered, then they switched. The questions are arranged to start light and gradually become more personal, which creates a steady build of trust and vulnerability. After finishing all 36, the pairs held four minutes of silent eye contact.
So if you try this yourself, do it the same way:
- Sit face-to-face, with no phones or distractions
- Take turns asking each question out loud
- Answer honestly, without rushing
- Keep the pace steady and respectful
- When you finish, try four minutes of eye contact if you both feel comfortable
This is not a guaranteed way to make someone fall in love. It is a structured way to create emotional closeness faster than small talk usually allows.
The 36 Questions to Ask Each Other
- Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
- Would you like to be famous? In what way?
- Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
- What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
- When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
- If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
- Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
- Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
- For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
- If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
- Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
- If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
- If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
- 14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
- What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
- What do you value most in a friendship?
- What is your most treasured memory?
- What is your most terrible memory?
- If you knew that in 1 year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
- What does friendship mean to you?
- What roles do love and affection play in your life?
- Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partners. Share a total of five items.
- How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
- How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
- Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling … “
- Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share … “
- If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
- Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
- Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
- When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
- Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
- What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
- If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
- Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
- Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
- Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
